Wagas na Pagmamahal


May mga bagay sa mundo na nakakaya lamang gawin dahil sa pag-ibig, nakakaya lamang tiisin at nakakaya lamang batahin. Nakakatuwang isipin na lahat ng sakripisyo'y nagagawa ng isang nagmamahal, kahit sa ganang kanya'y di niya lubos na malirip na ito'y kaniyang maisasakatuparan. Ano pa't marami parin ang nagtatangkang ipagkaloob ang lahat para sa kanilang minamahal, ibigay ang lahat at di magtira'y isang katibayan lamang na lubos ang pagmamahal na ating nararamdaman sa ating minamahal, maging dahilan man ito ng ating paghihirap, patuloy parin nating ginagawa ang mga bagay na ito, upang sa huli't huli'y wala tayong pagsisihan sa ating mga sarili. 

"Aking ginawa ang nararapat at alam kong lubos ang bagay na ito, upang maramdaman niya sa ganang kanyang sarili na wagas ang aking pagmamahal....."

Tuksuhan, Ligawan at Tampuhan

TUKSUHAN
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POUNDING RICE, ni Galo B. Ocampo, 1974

The traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is shy and secretive about her real feelings for a suitor and denies it even though she is really in love with the man.

Tuksuhan lang (just teasing) is the usual term associated with pairing off potential couples in Filipino culture.  This is common among teenagers and young adults.  It is a way of matching people who may have mutual admiration or affection for each other.  It may end up in a romance or avoidance of each other if the situation becomes embarrassing for both individuals.

Tuksuhan (teasing--and a girl's reaction to it) is a means for 'feeling out' a woman's attitude about an admirer or suitor.  If the denial is vehement and the girl starts avoiding the boy, then he gets the message that his desire to pursue her is hopeless.  The advantage of this is that he does not get embarrassed because he has not started courting the girl in earnest.  As in most Asian cultures, Filipinos avoid losing face. Basted (from English busted) is the Tagalog slang for someone who fails to reach 'first base' in courting a girl because she does not have any feelings for him to begin with. 

However, if the girl 'encourages' her suitor (either by being nice to him or not getting angry with the 'teasers'), then the man can court in earnest and the tuksuhan eventually ends.  The courtship then has entered a 'serious' stage, and the romance begins.

A man who is unable to express his affection to a woman (who may have the same feelings for him) is called a torpe (stupid), dungo (extremely shy), or simply duwag (coward).  To call a man torpe means he does not know how to court a girl, is playing innocent, or does not know she also has an affection for him. 

If a man is torpe, he needs a tulay (bridge)--anyone who is a mutual friend of him and the girl he loves--who then conveys to the girl his affection for her.   It is also a way of 'testing the waters' so to speak.  If the boy realizes that the girl does not have feelings for him, he will then not push through with the courtship, thus saving face. 

Some guys are afraid of their love being turned down by the girl.  In Tagalog, a guy whose love  has been turned down by the girl is called sawi (romantically sad), basted (busted), or simply labless (loveless).

LIGAWAN
COURTSHIP IN PHILIPPINE CULTURE
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HARANA, ni Carlos V. Francisco

Panliligaw or ligawan are the Tagalog terms for courtship, which in some parts of the Tagalog-speaking regions is synonymous with pandidiga or digahan (from Spanish diga, 'to say, express').  Manliligaw is the one who courts a girl; nililigawan is the one who is being courted. 
In Philippine culture, courtship is far more subdued and indirect unlike in some Western societies.  A man who is interested in courting a woman has to be discreet and friendly at first, in order not to be seen as too presko or mayabang (aggressive or too presumptuous).  Friendly dates are often the starting point, often with a group of other friends.  Later, couples may go out on their own, but this is still to be done discreetly.  If the couple has decided to come out in the open about their romance, they will tell their family and friends as well. 
In the Philippines, if a  man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself formally to the parents of the girl.  It is rather inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the relationship without informing the parents of the girl.  It is always expected that the guy must show his face to the girl's family.  And if a guy wants to be acceptable to the girl's family, he has to give pasalubong (gifts) every time he drops by her family's house.   It is said that in the Philippines, courting a Filipina means courting her family as well.
In courting a Filipina, the metaphor often used is that of playing baseball.  The man is said to reach 'first base' if the girl accepts his proposal to go out on a date for the first time.  Thereafter, going out on several dates is like reaching the second and third bases.  A 'home-run' is one where the girl formally accepts the man's love, and they become magkasintahan (from sinta, love), a term for boyfriend-girlfriend. 
During the old times and in the rural areas of the Philippines, Filipino men would make harana (serenade) the women  at night and sing songs of love and affection.  This is basically a Spanish influence.  The man is usually accompanied by his close friends who provide moral support for the guy, apart from singing with him. 
Filipino women are expected to be pakipot (playing hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate behavior in a courtship dance.   By being pakipot, the girl tells the man that he has to work hard to win her love.  It is also one way by which the Filipina will be able to measure the sincerity of her admirer.  Some courtships could last years before the woman accepts the man's love. 
A traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipinpa maiden) is someone who is mahinhin (modest, shy, with good upbringing, well-mannered) and does not show her admirer that she is also in love with him immediately.  She is also not supposed to go out on a date with several men.  The opposite of mahinhin is malandi (flirt), which is taboo in Filipino culture as far as courtship is concerned.
After a long courtship, if the couple later decide to get married, there is the Filipino tradition of pamamanhikan (from panik, to go up the stairs of the house), where the man and his parents visit the woman's family and ask for her parents blessings to marry their daughter.  It is also an occasion for the parents of the woman to get to know the parents of the man.

During pamamanhikan, the man and his parents bring some pasalubong (gifts).  It is also at this time that the wedding date is formally set, and the couple become engaged to get married. 



TAMPUHAN
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TAMPUHAN, a classic painting by Juan Luna, 1895.  This painting depicts sweethearts having a lovers' quarrel.

The Tagalog term tampo has no English equivalent.  Magtampo is usually translated as 'to sulk', but it does not quite mean that.  'Sulk' seems to have a negative meaning which is not expressed in magtampo.   It is a way of withdrawing, of expressing hurt feelings in a culture where outright expression of anger is discouraged.  For example, if a child who feels hurt or neglected may show tampo by withdrawing from the group, refusing to eat, and resisting expressions of affection such as touching or kissing by the members of the family.  A woman may also show tampo if she feels jealous or neglected by her beloved.  Tampuhan is basically a lovers' quarrel, often manifested in total silent treatment or not speaking to each other.

The person who is nagtatampo expects to be aamuin or cajoled out of the feeling of being unhappy or left out.  Parents usually let a child give way to tampo before he/she is cajoled to stop feeling hurt. 
Usually, tampo in Filipino culture is manifested in non-verbal ways, such as not talking to other people, keeping to one's self, being unusually quiet, not joining friends in group activities, not joining family outing, or simply locking one's self in his or her room.  

Magiging ayos din ang lahat!


Minsan nasasabi nating dapat ng ihinto itong kalokohan na ito. dapat ko ng kalimutan ang lahat ng mga nagdaan na nagiging dahilan upang magapos ako sa damdaming dapat ay matagal ng nagpalaya sakin. Pero kahit na anong pagtatanggi natin sa ating mga sarili'y patuloy parin itong nanunuot sa ating mga puso, patuloy parin itong nagbibigay dahilan upang muli nating maalala ang lahat ng masasayang oras na kasama mo siya. Siya na minsan pa'y naging mundo mo, na minsan pa'y naging buhay mo. Minsan magagawi ka sa mga lugar na punong puno ng alaala, masasabi mo nalang na.... sayang... Minsan sa paglalakad mo'y maririnig mo ang paborito niyong awitin, mga matatamis na awitin noon na ngayo'y pait na ang dulot at sakit na ang hatid sayong puso. Sa paggising mo sa umaga'y, nasanay ka na na may mga text messages siya sayo, mga morning greetings, agad mong hahanapin ang cellphone mo at maaalalang wala ng ganun at di na mangyayari yon. Mangigiti ka nalang at maya maya'y muling maluluha, mga alaalang palaging nariyan, pilit na sumisiksik sating isipan, na nagpapahirap satin, ngunit palagi nating tatandaan na lahat ng bagay ay lumilipas. Mawawala din ang sakit sa paglipas ng mga panahon, hihilom din ang sugat sating mga puso, muling mababakas ang ngiti sa ating mga labi.

-- Jay el